10 New Ways to Look Tan this Winter

Sometimes I feel that Americans (aka myself) are obsessed not only with the platonic ideal, but also with that perfect sun-kissed tan. Maybe for that reason alone I'll also start a blog about tanning.

Actually I probably won't ever do that, but just in case I change my mind in the future, I'll go ahead and reserve a creative domain just for tanning - maybe something different like tanningobsession.blogspot.com.

ANYWAYS, here is a piece I wrote in the fall of 2009 back when I comped SatireV (and yes I'm still in it!). I'm thinking of writing a similar piece but about teeth, naturally. I'm taking inspiration mostly from #2 on my list of how to look tan this winter.

Enjoy!


10 New Ways to Look Tan This Winter

1. Get into a nasty fight. Bruises always fade nicely.

2. Rinse your mouth every morning with Clorox. Extra concentrated. Your newly bleached teeth will contrast your skin.

3. Ask your friends if they like your new tan (even though we know you really don’t have one). Fool them with your confidence!

4. Accumulate enough blackheads so you look decently dark from far away.

5. Don’t hang out with your black, Hispanic, Asian, or Indian friends. Especially if you are white.

6. Who said that eye shadow was only for your eyes?

7. Don’t shower for 5 days. The accumulated dirt on your skin will trick your friends.

8. Reverse skin rejuvenation – glue dust onto your face. Did you know that dust is made up of dead skin cells?

9. Strip outside during the first blizzard. Frostbite will surely add some darker tones.

10. Get a hair transplant from your leg to your face. Now trim – don’t shave. Bonus points for added facial warmth. Extra bonus points if you’re a girl.


Eric